I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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