Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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