I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He shit in the fireplace
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
