Swine flu. Run for my life!
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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