I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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