i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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