I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
