Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
