she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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