I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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