I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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