We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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