We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
