I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
