The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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