you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
