im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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