Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
