Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Banned from zoo.
Again?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
She's not a foreskin expert like you
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
