my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
