My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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