Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
