I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
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