My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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