He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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