You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
