allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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