I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
You are the jesus of drinking
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
