I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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