there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
