Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
