I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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