I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
