apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
