why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
