It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
