You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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