I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
not ubering you a puppy
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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