He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
