I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
