the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
