What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
