we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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