I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
