There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
