Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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