i permit you to call me
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
