I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
