Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
