This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Randomize
