I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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