just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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